Shriveled Weiner Considers Pulling Out after Obama Gives Him the Shaft

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Amidst all the hoopla of what is becoming known as the "Weinergate Scandal," President Barak Obama went on record saying that it is in the best interest of both himself and the people for Senator Anthony Weiner to resign.  House Speaker Republican John "Boner" Boehner, when asked his opinion of the situation, says plainly of Weiner, "that guy's kind of a dick."

First completely denying the accusations that he had engaged in lewd activity with one young woman via Twitter, Weiner finally confessed after the floodgates were opened and several more accusations came rushing out in spurts.  "It's a sticky situation, there's no doubt about that.  We want to make sure we handle this thing gently and control it as much as possible so it doesn't explode and make an even bigger mess than it has to," says Jackie Rodhandler, Weiner's recently hired public relations manager.  "It's gonna spill...but we can take things into our own hands and contain that spillage...so to speak.  Textbook damage control."

Originally, the extremely headstrong Weiner's stance against resigning was rock hard, but after several days of being jerked around by the media, the Senator's stamina seems to be waning. Day after day, the senator appears more shriveled and shrunken, as the constant emotional beatdowns and being gang-banged by both Democrats and Republicans alike are beginning to visibly take a toll on the man who is usually known for being so solidly cocksure.

Taking time off to himself while his wife is still out of town-- to seek counseling and reflect about his 'predicament' of course--Senator Anthony Weiner is apparently considering resigning from office, though not just yet. "I'm not quite ready to give up, " he says, "I want to stick it out as long as I feel I can continue to perform. And while pulling out is eventually going to become inevitable, I feel that a withdrawal at this point would still be premature." Weiner acknowledges that being in such a position of scrutiny in the public's eye means he has to take some lumps, and Obama agrees; "the meat of it is, that when so many people are watching, you have to be more careful with the way you put yourself out there...genitally speaking, of course." The president goes on to say that he doesn't care to hash out "all the ins and outs of this man's intimate relationships...quite personally, I am just ready to see this issue deflated, wiped off, and tucked away."

"Lesson learned, " says Weiner, "I deeply regret using Facebook and Twitter to send lewd photos and engage in sexual relationships outside of my marriage." After recognizing that these actions really seemed to rub people the wrong way, he vows that, going forward, all inappropriate content will be conveyed solely through Dickbook and Tweiner.