Shriveled Weiner Considers Pulling Out after Obama Gives Him the Shaft

Disclaimer: Please be advised, that the following dialogue is entirely fictional.  Just because it's in quotations, and it's on the internet, doesn't mean it's true. (I know...let that sink in...) Additionally, some of the following characters are entirely made up, but you will have to take it upon yourselves to figure out which one(s).  Also, it is important to note that the text inside the speech bubbles, although not in quotations, is also fictional, and that the speech bubbles themselves and the text therein are not part of the photograph itself, but are elements added to the photographs with a special editing software. Got all that?  Let me recap; some of the characters are real people, some are not.  Most of the dialogue is made up, by me.  The photos are of actual people, but the captions and speech bubbles are not part of the original photos.  If you are at all confused about any of these things, please contact me directly and I will be happy to tell you that you are one of the dumbest people I have ever met.  Now, I do believe this disclaimer has satisfied my lawyer's requirements, so please...proceed.

Amidst all the hoopla of what is becoming known as the "Weinergate Scandal," President Barak Obama went on record saying that it is in the best interest of both himself and the people for Senator Anthony Weiner to resign.  House Speaker Republican John "Boner" Boehner, when asked his opinion of the situation, says plainly of Weiner, "that guy's kind of a dick."

First completely denying the accusations that he had engaged in lewd activity with one young woman via Twitter, Weiner finally confessed after the floodgates were opened and several more accusations came rushing out in spurts.  "It's a sticky situation, there's no doubt about that.  We want to make sure we handle this thing gently and control it as much as possible so it doesn't explode and make an even bigger mess than it has to," says Jackie Rodhandler, Weiner's recently hired public relations manager.  "It's gonna spill...but we can take things into our own hands and contain that spillage...so to speak.  Textbook damage control."

Originally, the extremely headstrong Weiner's stance against resigning was rock hard, but after several days of being jerked around by the media, the Senator's stamina seems to be waning. Day after day, the senator appears more shriveled and shrunken, as the constant emotional beatdowns and being gang-banged by both Democrats and Republicans alike are beginning to visibly take a toll on the man who is usually known for being so solidly cocksure.

Taking time off to himself while his wife is still out of town-- to seek counseling and reflect about his 'predicament' of course--Senator Anthony Weiner is apparently considering resigning from office, though not just yet. "I'm not quite ready to give up, " he says, "I want to stick it out as long as I feel I can continue to perform. And while pulling out is eventually going to become inevitable, I feel that a withdrawal at this point would still be premature." Weiner acknowledges that being in such a position of scrutiny in the public's eye means he has to take some lumps, and Obama agrees; "the meat of it is, that when so many people are watching, you have to be more careful with the way you put yourself out there...genitally speaking, of course." The president goes on to say that he doesn't care to hash out "all the ins and outs of this man's intimate relationships...quite personally, I am just ready to see this issue deflated, wiped off, and tucked away."

"Lesson learned, " says Weiner, "I deeply regret using Facebook and Twitter to send lewd photos and engage in sexual relationships outside of my marriage." After recognizing that these actions really seemed to rub people the wrong way, he vows that, going forward, all inappropriate content will be conveyed solely through Dickbook and Tweiner.

Suggestions From a Non-Catholic on What to Give Up for Lent

As today is Ash Wednesday, and despite the fact that I haven't even got around to asking yet, "hey, what is everyone giving up for Lent this year?", everyone on Facebook is telling me what they've decided or which options they're considering to abstain from for the next Forty Days (I mean, thank God for Facebook or I seriously would have missed out). As a pragmatist, however, I am sorry to say that a lot of their choices don't really seem realistic or achievable, and are certainly not in the true spirit of Lent.
Now, if you are Catholic, even if you thought you've already made up your mind, you should probably read my suggestions here, because I have some really damn good ones. And I think I've done a pretty good job of making these specific enough and easy enough that you might actually manage to make it through the "Dreaded Forty Days of Hell" (-which I know this is what you all think of it as, even though you would probably never say it out loud-) this year without fucking up like you do every other year, and feeling like a total heathen failure. I can only imagine how much that would suck, to say to myself that I'm going to do something for God for the next 1/10th of the year so that I can not feel guilty about doing whatever the fuck I want the other 90% of the year, but then not even be able to make it 2 whole weeks without giving in to the temptation and crumbling with self-hatred...but, not being Catholic, I don't entirely understand that kind of self-inflicted guilt.

First of all, for all my readers who are priests; {no, I haven't forgotten about your requests. I will post photos of my friends' kids' soccer teams and boy scouts outings ASAP, so you can stop emailing me.} Lent must be a particularly trying time for you. You have dedicated your lives to serving God and living without giving in to the temptations of Satan (how do you manage? I'm in awe of you). Are you expected to find additional pleasures to abstain from during these 40 days of Lent? What do you even have left to give up?? It doesn't seem fair. If I were the Pope, I would proclaim that for priests, the forty days of Lent were like 'vacation days' for you Men of the Cloth, whereby you could give in to the temptations of bodily pleasures and not have to fear eternal damnation, or even losing your job...and you would be forgiven, whatever the severity of your sin, as long as you confess and do penance. And, I might even venture to guess that you would even be forgiven for sins much more outrageous and horrible than normal Catholics, because of your devotion to God and how close you are to Him. Fuck, eat red meat on Fridays. Hit up that Golden Corral buffet--you fuckin' deserve it. Fried food? Yes. You. Can. Chicken-fried steak? Sure. In fact, why don't you hit up KFC for a Double-Down...it's no coincidence that they launched that sandwich last year right after Easter, am I right?  
I have one very important warning though--don't get too carried away. There is ONE sin that is absolutely, entirely, indisputably unforgivable: To engage in a consentual, loving, open relationship with another adult of the same sex...to fall in love, make plans to have a life together and care for each other in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, and share in all the other blessings of marriage that a man and a woman together may have, for better or worse. THAT is just so wrong that the devil himself wouldn't even condone it. You must keep your homosexuality behind closed doors and focused on children (-but only on the ones who protest!!-the ones who seem to like it are fuckin fags--kick those homos to the curb and RUN!!)
For the rest of you, who observe the traditional model of Lent, I have a few ideas:

• Instead of giving up chocolate, why don't you just give up eating chocolate that is shaped like bunnies? That way, you can still eat any other chocolate AND it's really not that hard because you don't see a lot of chocolate bunnies until Easter anyway. Imagine how awesome it will be when you make it all the way to Holy F'in Saturday without having eaten a single chomp of a chocolate bunny, and then the next day is fucking EASTER when you get to run around with the kids in the yard and find all the brightly colored plastic non-biodegradable, non-recyclable Easter eggs and stuff your face with chocolate bunnies to celebrate Christ's Resurrection! Also- and you know I'm right-if it's not forbidden, you probably won't crave it so badly. You will probably eat less chocolate this way, instead of thinking about it 24/7 and having mouth-watering dreams about it and holding out as long as possible, and then, when you finally cave, and eat a whole brownie, you think, "well, fuck it. I already fucked up, so I may as well make it count" and devour the rest of the pan of brownies and all the rest of the chocolate chips that you couldn't fit into the brownie batter that you knew you shouldn't have made in the first place. But hey, you can just count it as ONE screw-up in the last few weeks, and since all the brownies are gone now, that means that all the evidence is also gone, so no one else will ever know. Oh, except God (-praise Him-)

Fasting is about more than just refraining from food or other pleasures, and the Lord tells us that fasting that does not lead to works of charity does us no good...does He not?  (Isaiah 58:1-12)

So, how about this; instead of giving up something for Lent that only affects YOU, like not eating sugar, red meat, or fried food...give up something that by doing so, benefits the greater good. Because, let's face it, you're not going to succeed entirely anyway, so at least this way, when you do manage to resist temptation it actually makes some kind of difference. Here are some examples (since I'm not Catholic, I really can't do any of these things, but you guys totally should):

• Give up talking on your cell phone and texting while driving. Not only will you be safer, so will all the other drivers around you. Believe it or not, it is important to pay attention to what you are doing while you are operating heavy machinery (i.e., your vehicle).  In Exodus 1:1-22, we read about the oppression endured by the nation of Israel, the Old Testament model of the New Testament Church, at the hands of Pharoah. The slavery of the Israelites represents our slavery to our cell phones.  Don't worry, you can start back up again without penalty beginning on Easter Sunday, when you can actually drive blindfolded to make up for all the texting and talking that you didn't do for the last 40 days.

                                                                       You can buy this awesome fucking bag here.

• Abstain from using plastic grocery bags. They are, quite literally, the devil.  You Catholics like to have a lot of children...don't you care what the world will be like for them and their many, many offspring?  Think of the big picture; it's not just one or two plastic bags here and there, and it's not just you.  Yes, it makes a difference to recycle them but the recycling process still uses energy which pollutes the environment, and currently only 1% of plastic bags in the US are recycled in the first place leaving 300,000 tons of them in the landfills every year. That is fucking unacceptable.  PLUS, in case you didn't get how this affects YOU, I will break it down further...A huge number of plastic bags find their way into the oceans and have a staggering impact on marine life, which includes fish.  Now, if the world's supply of fish is fucked in a few short years...what in God's name do you think you are going to have left to eat on Fridays during Lent?  Rice cakes, bitches. (Seagram's 7:1-8)

'Jesus Shaves' tshirt available here.

Pinché Gringa Loca Enchiladas con Pollo y Crema (Sorry, I don't know how to say 'enchiladas' in Spanish so I just used the English word)

Translation: "Crazy Fuckin' White Girl Sour Cream Chicken Enchiladas."

So yeah. These are pretty fuckin' good. If you are interested in this recipe, but are not amused by all the f*cking swearing, you can find a boring, PG, clean, unexciting, straightforward, prude version here.


INGREDIENTS:

2-3 pounds bone-in chicken breasts (about 2 or 3)

1 whole onion, sliced

1 Tbs minced garlic

2 16-ounce jars mild salsa verde

4 cups fresh cilantro sprigs (from 1 bunch)

1 16-ounce container sour cream, regular or light (about 2 cups)

1 16-ounce package frozen corn, thawed

2.5 cups Monterey Jack cheese, grated

8-10 6-inch flour or corn tortillas

Kosher salt and black pepper

DIRECTIONS:

Place the chicken, onion, and garlic in a large pot, add enough water to cover completely, and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer until chicken is cooked through, 25-30 minutes. Remove chicken from pot and let cool. When cool enough to handle, shred the chicken into a large mixing bowl, discarding the skin and bones. If you wish, reserve the onions to use on top of your enchiladas, transferred with a slotted spoon. (If making Mexican Rice, also reserve the stock for use in that recipe)

Meanwhile, in a blender, puree the salsa, cilantro (setting some aside for garnish, if you wish), and 1 cup of the sour cream until smooth; transfer to a medium saucepan. Simmer the sauce until slightly thickened, 15-20 minutes; stir in the remaining 1 cup of sour cream.

Preheat oven to 400ºF.

To the bowl of chicken add the corn, 1 cup sauce, 2 cups of the cheese, 1/3 tsp salt and 1/2 tsp black pepper, and mix well.

Spread 1 cup of the remaining sauce in the bottom of a 9x13 baking dish. Roll the chicken mixture into the tortillas, about 1/3-1/2 cup per tortilla and place seam-side down in the dish. Cover the enchiladas with the rest of the sauce, the onions from your stock (optional) and cheese.

Bake at 400ºF until bubbling and beginning to brown, about 15-20 minutes.

NOTES:

First of all, please note that I have decided to drop the '*' as a euphemism for the letter 'u' in the word 'fuck'.  I feel that it's probably very tiresome for my readers to have to stop and think, "shit, what does that fucking asterisk stand for again??" and have to scroll all the way to the top of the screen to find my symbols key (*=u) to be able to understand it, and then have to scroll back down and try to find their place again--anyway, you get the picture.  I'm just trying to make this a more streamlined comfortable read for people.  There is also the chance that young impressionable children might see it and come to believe that is the correct spelling for the word "fuck" and I don't want to contribute to their delinquency.  

So, that said, this recipe is really pretty easy, but it is kinda time consuming, unless you cook the pinché pollo ahead of time or use leftover chicken.  You could also make the sauce a day or two ahead of time and keep it in the fridge.  This is the perfect recipe to make on a weekend, or prepare a few days before you want to eat it (--do everything but the cooking part--) then when it's time to eat it, stick it in the oven for 20 minutes while you make some Mexican rice, ese.

Yes, a whole bunch of cilantro may sound excessive, but answer me this: when else have you actually had an opportunity to use the whole goddam bunch in a single recipe? --(if you are Mexican/Hispanic/ Latino(/a) you may disregard that question because (A) why do you need to read this Crazy Fuckin' White Girl's recipe for something that you should really already know how to cook; and (B) it's only funny when the answer is"never!" which I seriously doubt is the case)-- Because usually you have to buy a whole fucking wheelbarrow's worth of cilantro and then you use like, two stupid little sprigs as a garnish, and put the rest in the fridge to forget about for a month until you find what looks like a plastic bag of liquid toxic waste that smells like camel douche water and drips like a Taiwanese whore all over your kitchen floor.  Why do they always leak? (I mean the plastic bags, not the whores).  

Anyway, the original recipe didn't call for un chingo de cilantro, I decided to put the entire fuckload in there because of the whole camel-douche/ Taiwanese whore incident of '09, which clearly left a bad taste in my mouth.  So, you may choose to use less than a fuckload of (un chingo de) cilantro if you choose, and set some aside for garnishing the enchiladas and the next 78 meals you cook, unless you like wasting stuff.  Instead of throwing out the extra cilantro, I recommend giving the rest to the next Mexican/Hispanic/Latino(/a) you see.  They would probably not be offended at all, because to them, cilantro is like Frank's Red Hot.

Try to cover your enchiladas completely with sauce before cooking; any exposed "un-sauced" enchiladas will be chewy.  And that's no bueno, because unlike everything else that goes wrong in the world, you can't really blame that on El Niño.

Our Lady of Guadalupe recommends these other options as garnish: diced tomato, chopped raw onion, sliced fresh avocado, a dollop (--what a ridiculous word...I don't know anyone who can say "dollop" without sounding like a total tool--) of sour cream, guacamole, or any combination thereof.  And, "¡Holy Jesús Cristo y Taco Cabana these pinché enchiladas are muy delicioso, güey!" she adds fervently.

I hope you find this recipe muy delicioso indeed, and that you are impressed with my bilingual skills.  I don't know much Spanish, but I know the important Spanish, thanks to working at Don Pablo's and chillin' with my vatos in the cocina.

How Facebook Taught Me that Glee Actually Helps People, and Isn't Just a Gay Show About Being Gay

Shopping at WalMart on a Sunday--My Survival Tactics

1.  Arrive at 11:30am.  I will be out of there by 12:05, just in time to miss the after-church mad dash for beer by all the good Christian folk.  And I can get my Miller High Life and my box of wine, too.

2.  Make sure my environmentally friendly reusable shopping bag is prominently displayed in my cart, so that everyone can clearly read the words "I NEED SOME FUCKING GROCERIES" at a glance.  Anyone with kids will do the intended about-face, leaving me to shop in peace.

3.  Always make sure my iPod is fully charged, so that I can plug my ears with loud upbeat music that will drown out the sound of screaming kids and yelling parents, people talking way too loudly on their cellphones about stupid shit that nobody wants to hear, and all those goddamn whistlin' motherfuckers who can't carry a tune for shit.  Oh, and if someone gets too close, I can break out into my robot dance and people will scatter like cockroaches, running from the crazy lady who is dancing at WalMart.

4.  Refrain from offering strangers advice on their poor choices in nutrition.  If they are riding around on a Rascal...they clearly stopped caring a long time ago.

5.  Avoid all eye contact.  This encourages people to start conversations when you find yourselves on the same aisle more than once.  I'm not here to make friends, or talk about the weather, or tell you what I'm making for dinner.  Leave me alone, I don't like people!

6.  Don't go anywhere near the pharmacy.  That is historically the sector of the store with the highest probability for being cropdusted.  And that's where the whistlers and the coughers hang out too, and I bet they're really just whistling and coughing to cover up the sound of their farts.

7.  Under no circumstances should you ever venture into the restroom at WalMart. There is ALWAYS someone in there droppin' a deuce.  And they apparently recognize this as a problem, because they have all those automatic air-fresheners timed to go off at certain intervals so that it 'smells better'.  Well, no, it doesn't fucking smell better...now it just smells like French Vanilla Country Spice-covered shit.  Also, 99% of the time there is pee on the seat, which, although I squat to avoid contact with the afore-mentioned urine-sprinkled seat, I still feel that I should wipe it off so that if someone goes in there right after me, they don't think that I am the disgusting mofo who left my piss dribbled all over it.  So now I have not only had to breathe a total stranger's shit-fumes, but I have also cleaned up another total stranger's tinkly mess.  Never go into to the restroom at WalMart.

8.  Stay away from cashiers who have fake nails over an inch long.  Those nasty things are like a carnival of bacteria.  When I think about all the times I've poked a finger through the toilet paper while wiping my ass (and I wipe gently and don't even have long nails)... I can't even imagine what it must be like trying to clean your puckered chocolate starfish with talons like those.

9.  Purell.  As soon as I get in my car, I sanitize.  Grocery carts, raw chicken, snotty kids, germs everywhere!  Did you know that the swine flu epidemic started at WalMart?  That is probably a fact.

10.   Be careful in the parking lot.
     a.)  You have to be especially cautious of people driving with handicapped badges hanging from their rearview mirrors.  These are either people who are temporarily handicapped, or who have just recently become permanently handicapped and don't have their special license plates yet.  Either way, they tend to be aggressive drivers, probably because they are pissed off at the world and want to hurt other people and make them handicapped too.  Every single time I almost get run over, it's by someone with a temporary handicapped badge.
     b.)  Leaving just after noon means that's when all the crazies are arriving.  And by 'crazies', I mean Catholics.  They often have too many kids to handle, and they let them run free in the parking lot. You don't want to run one over, because this could cause terrible damage to your car, and completely ruin the rest of your day--you'll have to call the insurance company, give a statement to the police...ugh what a pain. And if it's football season, you're gonna miss the game, for sure.

Easy as F*ck Homemade Chicken Pot Pie

This recipe combines foods from three very important food groups--chicken, pot, and pie.  It is easy and delicious...your f*cking kids will love it!   If you are interested in this recipe, but are not amused by all the f*cking swearing, you can find a boring, PG, clean, unexciting, straightforward, prude version here.



Ingredients:

2 ready made frozen pie crusts--deep dish

2 six-ounce boxes of cornbread stuffing mix (and required butter*)

1.5 lb pre-cooked boneless skinless chicken breast*, thawed and cubed

1 can (10.75 oz) cream of chicken soup

1/3 cup sour cream

1 bag (16 oz) frozen mixed vegetables, thawed, drained

1/4 cup dried onion flakes (optional)

1 cup shredded cheese

ground black pepper to taste


Directions:

Preheat oven to 400ºF.  Take frozen pie crusts out of the freezer and allow to thaw at least 10-15 minutes.

Prepare stuffing mix as directed on package (mix both together).  Set aside.

In a large bowl, mix cream of chicken soup and sour cream together.  Add vegetables and chicken, and onion flakes if desired.  Add black pepper according to your preference, and mix well.  Divide this mixture evenly between the two pie crusts.

Top both pies with stuffing, spreading it evenly across the top.  Sprinkle shredded cheese over the stuffing.

Bake at 400ºF for 30 minutes, or until top is browned.


NOTES:

This recipe also works well as a casserole--skip the pie crusts and put it all in a 9x13 casserole dish.

The stuffing usually calls for 1/2 stick (1/4 cup) of butter per box.  I only use 1/4 of a stick at most for both boxes combined,  and seriously, with the pastry crust, sour cream, cream of chicken soup, and the cheese...you will not miss that butter.  And trust me, your ass and thighs will thank you.  And you can thank ME.  I just saved that ass an hour and a half on the treadmill.

I buy a 20 ounce bag of frozen, cubed, pre-cooked chicken, and use about half the bag in this recipe.  Yes, it's lazy as shit, but it's easy. I have a f*cking job, I don't have time to cook and cut up my own goddam chicken.

Most of the time, for my vegetables, I like to use half a bag of mixed vegetables (ie, peas, corn, and carrots) and half a bag of broccoli cuts (or broccoli/cauliflower cuts). I'm sorry but I don't really have anything funny to say about this.  I just like broccoli and I wanted to share. F*ck.

The onion flakes are 'optional' because I really only tried them in this recipe for personal reasons--my mom gave me a gargantuan bulk-sized container of dried onion flakes and every time I walk into the pantry it's the first thing I see, and every single time I think to myself, "Jesus f*cking Christ, how the poop am I supposed to ever get through all those onion flakes??" So I started to just use them in everything I can so I can one day have that space available to store something important, like a case of wine.

If you like a juicier pie (oh yeah), you can use up to 2 cans of cream of chicken soup.

Sidebar RE: Cream of Chicken Soup: Why the hell do they even call it 'Cream OF Chicken' soup?  Because to me, it seems like that should mean 'soup made from cream that comes from a chicken'.  And it pisses me off that it makes me wonder how you get cream from a chicken.  Chickens don't make milk, even though they have breasts--which, if you are making this recipe, you are about to f*cking EAT, by the way...I bet you never thought about that before, huh? Doesn't it conjure up the image of somebody milking a tiny chicken tit over your bowl of fresh strawberreis?  Well I bet it does now.  Yeah, you're welcome.  Do you think I like thinking about this shit?   All they would have to do is change the wording to 'Creamy Chicken Soup,' and, problem solved!  I wouldn't have to have all this freaky shit all up in my head every time I walk down the f*cking soup aisle at the grocery store...The same applies to other similar soups, such as Cream of Celery, Cream of Mushroom, and Cream of Potato. Those are f*cking vegetables.  They don't even HAVE tits.  My mind is officially blown.

HOMEMADE F*CKING KAHLUA

This recipe is so f*cking easy it's almost offensive.  I make this every year around Christmas time. Because I like to give homemade gifts. You know, because I'm so f*cking cheap.  If you are interested in this recipe, but are not amused by all the f*cking swearing, you can find a boring, PG, clean, unexciting, straightforward, prude version here.

2.5 cups sugar

1 cup corn syrup

3-4 Tbsp instant coffee

4 Tbsp vanilla extract

3 cups boiling water

1 fifth of vodka (750ml bottle)

1/4 tsp ground nutmeg (optional)

Dissolve the sugar in 2 cups of boiling water, then add corn syrup and stir. Dissolve instant coffee in remaining 1 cup boiling water and stir. Add ground nutmeg, if you wish. Pour this mixture into a gallon jug and let it cool (2-3 hours in fridge should be plenty, but longer won't hurt). When cold, add vanilla extract and the bottle of vodka, and mix well. For best results, let mixture mature 4-5 weeks.

NOTES:

I added the nutmeg (optional) to the recipe because I've made this several times and always thought something was missing.  I was right-- It was the nutmeg.  Of course, if you use the nutmeg, be prepared to see little floaty things that look like tiny bits of cork swimming around in your bottle of kahlua.  And if you're like me, when you see them, you will be annoyed and think, "where the f*ck did that f*cking cork come from that's floating about in my f*cking kahlua?  There's no f*cking cork on this f*cking bottle...what the f*ck?"  Or, you may not have a mouth quite as filthy as mine, so your version might not be as funny.

I use 4 Tbsp of the instant coffee because I find 3 to leave the mixture too watery.  I like a robust f*cking cup of coffee and a robust f*cking coffee liqueur.

I skip the gallon jug and just use a large mixing bowl with a lip for pouring and put that in the fridge, because I like to use these pretty bottles from World Market.  This recipe fills 2 of the smaller bottles and one large one, as shown.  The missing kahlua is because we enjoyed a couple of tasty beverages before I took this picture.  F*cking deal with it. Clearly, it is drinkable as soon as you finish making it, but yes, it does taste better if you plan to sip it by itself at the 4-5 week mark, fo' shizzle.

Use a funnel to pour this shit into whatever bottle you use.  Really, you'll be a much happier person for not having to clean tons of syrupy sticky kahlua off your countertop, cabinets, floor, and hands that you could be drinking, for f*cks' sake!! Yes, I am helping you learn from my mistakes. I am a good friend.

If you like eggnog, you will LOVE this mixed with it.  With sprinkles of ground nutmeg on top. Seriously.  Try it.  Or don't.  what  the f*ck do I care??

I don't keep my finished product in the fridge but you certainly can.  I think it tastes better when it's not cold.  Mine also doesn't last very long--I usually keep a bottle for myself and give  the rest away.  My brother is a lucky son of a bitch for getting that big bottle to take back to Canada with him, when, let's face it, what the f*ck has he done for ME lately?

Please enjoy this beverage and all alcoholic beverages responsibly.  I personally don't care if you smash up your f*cking face in a drunk driving accident, but, hey, someone else actually might.  So don't drink and drive...you know--for them.  This statement also applies to other, non-driving-related idiotic and dangerous drunk behaviors.  I couldn't possibly list them all.  But I also kind of think that if you're the kind of person to get wasted on kahlua, that you are either totally gay or a 16-year-old girl.

The Virgin Post; Popping my Proverbial Blog Cherry

About a week ago, I decided to write a book.  About three hours later, I realized that was too hard, so I decided to write a blog instead.  Besides, who reads fucking books nowadays anyway??  

So yes, I am a little bit nervous--I don't want to disappoint; but I hope you'll stay with me, teach me a thing or two, and please, be quite gentle...or at least use some lube or something. 

As monumental as I would like this to be, as my first time blogging, I have learned the hard way from other 'maiden voyages' in my lifetime that it is better to intentionally set one's expectations quite low in order to not be shattered by disappointment upon discovering that the 'earth' doesn't actually 'move' unless your partner can hold his load for more than 60 seconds.  Which, as we know,  is not very common among teenage boys...although there is something to be said for their respawning capacity and energetic zealousness--

Well, it seems I have exposed my hidden meaning....and I digress.  I am trying to say, that I really want to just get this first post out of the way, and as an homage to that fumbling first attempt at intercourse, I will just squeeze my eyes shut, hold my breath for the entire minute...and try not to fart.