Shopping at WalMart on a Sunday--My Survival Tactics

1.  Arrive at 11:30am.  I will be out of there by 12:05, just in time to miss the after-church mad dash for beer by all the good Christian folk.  And I can get my Miller High Life and my box of wine, too.

2.  Make sure my environmentally friendly reusable shopping bag is prominently displayed in my cart, so that everyone can clearly read the words "I NEED SOME FUCKING GROCERIES" at a glance.  Anyone with kids will do the intended about-face, leaving me to shop in peace.

3.  Always make sure my iPod is fully charged, so that I can plug my ears with loud upbeat music that will drown out the sound of screaming kids and yelling parents, people talking way too loudly on their cellphones about stupid shit that nobody wants to hear, and all those goddamn whistlin' motherfuckers who can't carry a tune for shit.  Oh, and if someone gets too close, I can break out into my robot dance and people will scatter like cockroaches, running from the crazy lady who is dancing at WalMart.

4.  Refrain from offering strangers advice on their poor choices in nutrition.  If they are riding around on a Rascal...they clearly stopped caring a long time ago.

5.  Avoid all eye contact.  This encourages people to start conversations when you find yourselves on the same aisle more than once.  I'm not here to make friends, or talk about the weather, or tell you what I'm making for dinner.  Leave me alone, I don't like people!

6.  Don't go anywhere near the pharmacy.  That is historically the sector of the store with the highest probability for being cropdusted.  And that's where the whistlers and the coughers hang out too, and I bet they're really just whistling and coughing to cover up the sound of their farts.

7.  Under no circumstances should you ever venture into the restroom at WalMart. There is ALWAYS someone in there droppin' a deuce.  And they apparently recognize this as a problem, because they have all those automatic air-fresheners timed to go off at certain intervals so that it 'smells better'.  Well, no, it doesn't fucking smell better...now it just smells like French Vanilla Country Spice-covered shit.  Also, 99% of the time there is pee on the seat, which, although I squat to avoid contact with the afore-mentioned urine-sprinkled seat, I still feel that I should wipe it off so that if someone goes in there right after me, they don't think that I am the disgusting mofo who left my piss dribbled all over it.  So now I have not only had to breathe a total stranger's shit-fumes, but I have also cleaned up another total stranger's tinkly mess.  Never go into to the restroom at WalMart.

8.  Stay away from cashiers who have fake nails over an inch long.  Those nasty things are like a carnival of bacteria.  When I think about all the times I've poked a finger through the toilet paper while wiping my ass (and I wipe gently and don't even have long nails)... I can't even imagine what it must be like trying to clean your puckered chocolate starfish with talons like those.

9.  Purell.  As soon as I get in my car, I sanitize.  Grocery carts, raw chicken, snotty kids, germs everywhere!  Did you know that the swine flu epidemic started at WalMart?  That is probably a fact.

10.   Be careful in the parking lot.
     a.)  You have to be especially cautious of people driving with handicapped badges hanging from their rearview mirrors.  These are either people who are temporarily handicapped, or who have just recently become permanently handicapped and don't have their special license plates yet.  Either way, they tend to be aggressive drivers, probably because they are pissed off at the world and want to hurt other people and make them handicapped too.  Every single time I almost get run over, it's by someone with a temporary handicapped badge.
     b.)  Leaving just after noon means that's when all the crazies are arriving.  And by 'crazies', I mean Catholics.  They often have too many kids to handle, and they let them run free in the parking lot. You don't want to run one over, because this could cause terrible damage to your car, and completely ruin the rest of your day--you'll have to call the insurance company, give a statement to the police...ugh what a pain. And if it's football season, you're gonna miss the game, for sure.