HOMEMADE F*CKING KAHLUA

This recipe is so f*cking easy it's almost offensive.  I make this every year around Christmas time. Because I like to give homemade gifts. You know, because I'm so f*cking cheap.  If you are interested in this recipe, but are not amused by all the f*cking swearing, you can find a boring, PG, clean, unexciting, straightforward, prude version here.

2.5 cups sugar

1 cup corn syrup

3-4 Tbsp instant coffee

4 Tbsp vanilla extract

3 cups boiling water

1 fifth of vodka (750ml bottle)

1/4 tsp ground nutmeg (optional)

Dissolve the sugar in 2 cups of boiling water, then add corn syrup and stir. Dissolve instant coffee in remaining 1 cup boiling water and stir. Add ground nutmeg, if you wish. Pour this mixture into a gallon jug and let it cool (2-3 hours in fridge should be plenty, but longer won't hurt). When cold, add vanilla extract and the bottle of vodka, and mix well. For best results, let mixture mature 4-5 weeks.

NOTES:

I added the nutmeg (optional) to the recipe because I've made this several times and always thought something was missing.  I was right-- It was the nutmeg.  Of course, if you use the nutmeg, be prepared to see little floaty things that look like tiny bits of cork swimming around in your bottle of kahlua.  And if you're like me, when you see them, you will be annoyed and think, "where the f*ck did that f*cking cork come from that's floating about in my f*cking kahlua?  There's no f*cking cork on this f*cking bottle...what the f*ck?"  Or, you may not have a mouth quite as filthy as mine, so your version might not be as funny.

I use 4 Tbsp of the instant coffee because I find 3 to leave the mixture too watery.  I like a robust f*cking cup of coffee and a robust f*cking coffee liqueur.

I skip the gallon jug and just use a large mixing bowl with a lip for pouring and put that in the fridge, because I like to use these pretty bottles from World Market.  This recipe fills 2 of the smaller bottles and one large one, as shown.  The missing kahlua is because we enjoyed a couple of tasty beverages before I took this picture.  F*cking deal with it. Clearly, it is drinkable as soon as you finish making it, but yes, it does taste better if you plan to sip it by itself at the 4-5 week mark, fo' shizzle.

Use a funnel to pour this shit into whatever bottle you use.  Really, you'll be a much happier person for not having to clean tons of syrupy sticky kahlua off your countertop, cabinets, floor, and hands that you could be drinking, for f*cks' sake!! Yes, I am helping you learn from my mistakes. I am a good friend.

If you like eggnog, you will LOVE this mixed with it.  With sprinkles of ground nutmeg on top. Seriously.  Try it.  Or don't.  what  the f*ck do I care??

I don't keep my finished product in the fridge but you certainly can.  I think it tastes better when it's not cold.  Mine also doesn't last very long--I usually keep a bottle for myself and give  the rest away.  My brother is a lucky son of a bitch for getting that big bottle to take back to Canada with him, when, let's face it, what the f*ck has he done for ME lately?

Please enjoy this beverage and all alcoholic beverages responsibly.  I personally don't care if you smash up your f*cking face in a drunk driving accident, but, hey, someone else actually might.  So don't drink and drive...you know--for them.  This statement also applies to other, non-driving-related idiotic and dangerous drunk behaviors.  I couldn't possibly list them all.  But I also kind of think that if you're the kind of person to get wasted on kahlua, that you are either totally gay or a 16-year-old girl.