Pinché Gringa Loca Enchiladas con Pollo y Crema (Sorry, I don't know how to say 'enchiladas' in Spanish so I just used the English word)

Translation: "Crazy Fuckin' White Girl Sour Cream Chicken Enchiladas."

So yeah. These are pretty fuckin' good. If you are interested in this recipe, but are not amused by all the f*cking swearing, you can find a boring, PG, clean, unexciting, straightforward, prude version here.


INGREDIENTS:

2-3 pounds bone-in chicken breasts (about 2 or 3)

1 whole onion, sliced

1 Tbs minced garlic

2 16-ounce jars mild salsa verde

4 cups fresh cilantro sprigs (from 1 bunch)

1 16-ounce container sour cream, regular or light (about 2 cups)

1 16-ounce package frozen corn, thawed

2.5 cups Monterey Jack cheese, grated

8-10 6-inch flour or corn tortillas

Kosher salt and black pepper

DIRECTIONS:

Place the chicken, onion, and garlic in a large pot, add enough water to cover completely, and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer until chicken is cooked through, 25-30 minutes. Remove chicken from pot and let cool. When cool enough to handle, shred the chicken into a large mixing bowl, discarding the skin and bones. If you wish, reserve the onions to use on top of your enchiladas, transferred with a slotted spoon. (If making Mexican Rice, also reserve the stock for use in that recipe)

Meanwhile, in a blender, puree the salsa, cilantro (setting some aside for garnish, if you wish), and 1 cup of the sour cream until smooth; transfer to a medium saucepan. Simmer the sauce until slightly thickened, 15-20 minutes; stir in the remaining 1 cup of sour cream.

Preheat oven to 400ºF.

To the bowl of chicken add the corn, 1 cup sauce, 2 cups of the cheese, 1/3 tsp salt and 1/2 tsp black pepper, and mix well.

Spread 1 cup of the remaining sauce in the bottom of a 9x13 baking dish. Roll the chicken mixture into the tortillas, about 1/3-1/2 cup per tortilla and place seam-side down in the dish. Cover the enchiladas with the rest of the sauce, the onions from your stock (optional) and cheese.

Bake at 400ºF until bubbling and beginning to brown, about 15-20 minutes.

NOTES:

First of all, please note that I have decided to drop the '*' as a euphemism for the letter 'u' in the word 'fuck'.  I feel that it's probably very tiresome for my readers to have to stop and think, "shit, what does that fucking asterisk stand for again??" and have to scroll all the way to the top of the screen to find my symbols key (*=u) to be able to understand it, and then have to scroll back down and try to find their place again--anyway, you get the picture.  I'm just trying to make this a more streamlined comfortable read for people.  There is also the chance that young impressionable children might see it and come to believe that is the correct spelling for the word "fuck" and I don't want to contribute to their delinquency.  

So, that said, this recipe is really pretty easy, but it is kinda time consuming, unless you cook the pinché pollo ahead of time or use leftover chicken.  You could also make the sauce a day or two ahead of time and keep it in the fridge.  This is the perfect recipe to make on a weekend, or prepare a few days before you want to eat it (--do everything but the cooking part--) then when it's time to eat it, stick it in the oven for 20 minutes while you make some Mexican rice, ese.

Yes, a whole bunch of cilantro may sound excessive, but answer me this: when else have you actually had an opportunity to use the whole goddam bunch in a single recipe? --(if you are Mexican/Hispanic/ Latino(/a) you may disregard that question because (A) why do you need to read this Crazy Fuckin' White Girl's recipe for something that you should really already know how to cook; and (B) it's only funny when the answer is"never!" which I seriously doubt is the case)-- Because usually you have to buy a whole fucking wheelbarrow's worth of cilantro and then you use like, two stupid little sprigs as a garnish, and put the rest in the fridge to forget about for a month until you find what looks like a plastic bag of liquid toxic waste that smells like camel douche water and drips like a Taiwanese whore all over your kitchen floor.  Why do they always leak? (I mean the plastic bags, not the whores).  

Anyway, the original recipe didn't call for un chingo de cilantro, I decided to put the entire fuckload in there because of the whole camel-douche/ Taiwanese whore incident of '09, which clearly left a bad taste in my mouth.  So, you may choose to use less than a fuckload of (un chingo de) cilantro if you choose, and set some aside for garnishing the enchiladas and the next 78 meals you cook, unless you like wasting stuff.  Instead of throwing out the extra cilantro, I recommend giving the rest to the next Mexican/Hispanic/Latino(/a) you see.  They would probably not be offended at all, because to them, cilantro is like Frank's Red Hot.

Try to cover your enchiladas completely with sauce before cooking; any exposed "un-sauced" enchiladas will be chewy.  And that's no bueno, because unlike everything else that goes wrong in the world, you can't really blame that on El Niño.

Our Lady of Guadalupe recommends these other options as garnish: diced tomato, chopped raw onion, sliced fresh avocado, a dollop (--what a ridiculous word...I don't know anyone who can say "dollop" without sounding like a total tool--) of sour cream, guacamole, or any combination thereof.  And, "¡Holy Jesús Cristo y Taco Cabana these pinché enchiladas are muy delicioso, güey!" she adds fervently.

I hope you find this recipe muy delicioso indeed, and that you are impressed with my bilingual skills.  I don't know much Spanish, but I know the important Spanish, thanks to working at Don Pablo's and chillin' with my vatos in the cocina.

How Facebook Taught Me that Glee Actually Helps People, and Isn't Just a Gay Show About Being Gay

Shopping at WalMart on a Sunday--My Survival Tactics

1.  Arrive at 11:30am.  I will be out of there by 12:05, just in time to miss the after-church mad dash for beer by all the good Christian folk.  And I can get my Miller High Life and my box of wine, too.

2.  Make sure my environmentally friendly reusable shopping bag is prominently displayed in my cart, so that everyone can clearly read the words "I NEED SOME FUCKING GROCERIES" at a glance.  Anyone with kids will do the intended about-face, leaving me to shop in peace.

3.  Always make sure my iPod is fully charged, so that I can plug my ears with loud upbeat music that will drown out the sound of screaming kids and yelling parents, people talking way too loudly on their cellphones about stupid shit that nobody wants to hear, and all those goddamn whistlin' motherfuckers who can't carry a tune for shit.  Oh, and if someone gets too close, I can break out into my robot dance and people will scatter like cockroaches, running from the crazy lady who is dancing at WalMart.

4.  Refrain from offering strangers advice on their poor choices in nutrition.  If they are riding around on a Rascal...they clearly stopped caring a long time ago.

5.  Avoid all eye contact.  This encourages people to start conversations when you find yourselves on the same aisle more than once.  I'm not here to make friends, or talk about the weather, or tell you what I'm making for dinner.  Leave me alone, I don't like people!

6.  Don't go anywhere near the pharmacy.  That is historically the sector of the store with the highest probability for being cropdusted.  And that's where the whistlers and the coughers hang out too, and I bet they're really just whistling and coughing to cover up the sound of their farts.

7.  Under no circumstances should you ever venture into the restroom at WalMart. There is ALWAYS someone in there droppin' a deuce.  And they apparently recognize this as a problem, because they have all those automatic air-fresheners timed to go off at certain intervals so that it 'smells better'.  Well, no, it doesn't fucking smell better...now it just smells like French Vanilla Country Spice-covered shit.  Also, 99% of the time there is pee on the seat, which, although I squat to avoid contact with the afore-mentioned urine-sprinkled seat, I still feel that I should wipe it off so that if someone goes in there right after me, they don't think that I am the disgusting mofo who left my piss dribbled all over it.  So now I have not only had to breathe a total stranger's shit-fumes, but I have also cleaned up another total stranger's tinkly mess.  Never go into to the restroom at WalMart.

8.  Stay away from cashiers who have fake nails over an inch long.  Those nasty things are like a carnival of bacteria.  When I think about all the times I've poked a finger through the toilet paper while wiping my ass (and I wipe gently and don't even have long nails)... I can't even imagine what it must be like trying to clean your puckered chocolate starfish with talons like those.

9.  Purell.  As soon as I get in my car, I sanitize.  Grocery carts, raw chicken, snotty kids, germs everywhere!  Did you know that the swine flu epidemic started at WalMart?  That is probably a fact.

10.   Be careful in the parking lot.
     a.)  You have to be especially cautious of people driving with handicapped badges hanging from their rearview mirrors.  These are either people who are temporarily handicapped, or who have just recently become permanently handicapped and don't have their special license plates yet.  Either way, they tend to be aggressive drivers, probably because they are pissed off at the world and want to hurt other people and make them handicapped too.  Every single time I almost get run over, it's by someone with a temporary handicapped badge.
     b.)  Leaving just after noon means that's when all the crazies are arriving.  And by 'crazies', I mean Catholics.  They often have too many kids to handle, and they let them run free in the parking lot. You don't want to run one over, because this could cause terrible damage to your car, and completely ruin the rest of your day--you'll have to call the insurance company, give a statement to the police...ugh what a pain. And if it's football season, you're gonna miss the game, for sure.

Easy as F*ck Homemade Chicken Pot Pie

This recipe combines foods from three very important food groups--chicken, pot, and pie.  It is easy and delicious...your f*cking kids will love it!   If you are interested in this recipe, but are not amused by all the f*cking swearing, you can find a boring, PG, clean, unexciting, straightforward, prude version here.



Ingredients:

2 ready made frozen pie crusts--deep dish

2 six-ounce boxes of cornbread stuffing mix (and required butter*)

1.5 lb pre-cooked boneless skinless chicken breast*, thawed and cubed

1 can (10.75 oz) cream of chicken soup

1/3 cup sour cream

1 bag (16 oz) frozen mixed vegetables, thawed, drained

1/4 cup dried onion flakes (optional)

1 cup shredded cheese

ground black pepper to taste


Directions:

Preheat oven to 400ºF.  Take frozen pie crusts out of the freezer and allow to thaw at least 10-15 minutes.

Prepare stuffing mix as directed on package (mix both together).  Set aside.

In a large bowl, mix cream of chicken soup and sour cream together.  Add vegetables and chicken, and onion flakes if desired.  Add black pepper according to your preference, and mix well.  Divide this mixture evenly between the two pie crusts.

Top both pies with stuffing, spreading it evenly across the top.  Sprinkle shredded cheese over the stuffing.

Bake at 400ºF for 30 minutes, or until top is browned.


NOTES:

This recipe also works well as a casserole--skip the pie crusts and put it all in a 9x13 casserole dish.

The stuffing usually calls for 1/2 stick (1/4 cup) of butter per box.  I only use 1/4 of a stick at most for both boxes combined,  and seriously, with the pastry crust, sour cream, cream of chicken soup, and the cheese...you will not miss that butter.  And trust me, your ass and thighs will thank you.  And you can thank ME.  I just saved that ass an hour and a half on the treadmill.

I buy a 20 ounce bag of frozen, cubed, pre-cooked chicken, and use about half the bag in this recipe.  Yes, it's lazy as shit, but it's easy. I have a f*cking job, I don't have time to cook and cut up my own goddam chicken.

Most of the time, for my vegetables, I like to use half a bag of mixed vegetables (ie, peas, corn, and carrots) and half a bag of broccoli cuts (or broccoli/cauliflower cuts). I'm sorry but I don't really have anything funny to say about this.  I just like broccoli and I wanted to share. F*ck.

The onion flakes are 'optional' because I really only tried them in this recipe for personal reasons--my mom gave me a gargantuan bulk-sized container of dried onion flakes and every time I walk into the pantry it's the first thing I see, and every single time I think to myself, "Jesus f*cking Christ, how the poop am I supposed to ever get through all those onion flakes??" So I started to just use them in everything I can so I can one day have that space available to store something important, like a case of wine.

If you like a juicier pie (oh yeah), you can use up to 2 cans of cream of chicken soup.

Sidebar RE: Cream of Chicken Soup: Why the hell do they even call it 'Cream OF Chicken' soup?  Because to me, it seems like that should mean 'soup made from cream that comes from a chicken'.  And it pisses me off that it makes me wonder how you get cream from a chicken.  Chickens don't make milk, even though they have breasts--which, if you are making this recipe, you are about to f*cking EAT, by the way...I bet you never thought about that before, huh? Doesn't it conjure up the image of somebody milking a tiny chicken tit over your bowl of fresh strawberreis?  Well I bet it does now.  Yeah, you're welcome.  Do you think I like thinking about this shit?   All they would have to do is change the wording to 'Creamy Chicken Soup,' and, problem solved!  I wouldn't have to have all this freaky shit all up in my head every time I walk down the f*cking soup aisle at the grocery store...The same applies to other similar soups, such as Cream of Celery, Cream of Mushroom, and Cream of Potato. Those are f*cking vegetables.  They don't even HAVE tits.  My mind is officially blown.

HOMEMADE F*CKING KAHLUA

This recipe is so f*cking easy it's almost offensive.  I make this every year around Christmas time. Because I like to give homemade gifts. You know, because I'm so f*cking cheap.  If you are interested in this recipe, but are not amused by all the f*cking swearing, you can find a boring, PG, clean, unexciting, straightforward, prude version here.

2.5 cups sugar

1 cup corn syrup

3-4 Tbsp instant coffee

4 Tbsp vanilla extract

3 cups boiling water

1 fifth of vodka (750ml bottle)

1/4 tsp ground nutmeg (optional)

Dissolve the sugar in 2 cups of boiling water, then add corn syrup and stir. Dissolve instant coffee in remaining 1 cup boiling water and stir. Add ground nutmeg, if you wish. Pour this mixture into a gallon jug and let it cool (2-3 hours in fridge should be plenty, but longer won't hurt). When cold, add vanilla extract and the bottle of vodka, and mix well. For best results, let mixture mature 4-5 weeks.

NOTES:

I added the nutmeg (optional) to the recipe because I've made this several times and always thought something was missing.  I was right-- It was the nutmeg.  Of course, if you use the nutmeg, be prepared to see little floaty things that look like tiny bits of cork swimming around in your bottle of kahlua.  And if you're like me, when you see them, you will be annoyed and think, "where the f*ck did that f*cking cork come from that's floating about in my f*cking kahlua?  There's no f*cking cork on this f*cking bottle...what the f*ck?"  Or, you may not have a mouth quite as filthy as mine, so your version might not be as funny.

I use 4 Tbsp of the instant coffee because I find 3 to leave the mixture too watery.  I like a robust f*cking cup of coffee and a robust f*cking coffee liqueur.

I skip the gallon jug and just use a large mixing bowl with a lip for pouring and put that in the fridge, because I like to use these pretty bottles from World Market.  This recipe fills 2 of the smaller bottles and one large one, as shown.  The missing kahlua is because we enjoyed a couple of tasty beverages before I took this picture.  F*cking deal with it. Clearly, it is drinkable as soon as you finish making it, but yes, it does taste better if you plan to sip it by itself at the 4-5 week mark, fo' shizzle.

Use a funnel to pour this shit into whatever bottle you use.  Really, you'll be a much happier person for not having to clean tons of syrupy sticky kahlua off your countertop, cabinets, floor, and hands that you could be drinking, for f*cks' sake!! Yes, I am helping you learn from my mistakes. I am a good friend.

If you like eggnog, you will LOVE this mixed with it.  With sprinkles of ground nutmeg on top. Seriously.  Try it.  Or don't.  what  the f*ck do I care??

I don't keep my finished product in the fridge but you certainly can.  I think it tastes better when it's not cold.  Mine also doesn't last very long--I usually keep a bottle for myself and give  the rest away.  My brother is a lucky son of a bitch for getting that big bottle to take back to Canada with him, when, let's face it, what the f*ck has he done for ME lately?

Please enjoy this beverage and all alcoholic beverages responsibly.  I personally don't care if you smash up your f*cking face in a drunk driving accident, but, hey, someone else actually might.  So don't drink and drive...you know--for them.  This statement also applies to other, non-driving-related idiotic and dangerous drunk behaviors.  I couldn't possibly list them all.  But I also kind of think that if you're the kind of person to get wasted on kahlua, that you are either totally gay or a 16-year-old girl.

The Virgin Post; Popping my Proverbial Blog Cherry

About a week ago, I decided to write a book.  About three hours later, I realized that was too hard, so I decided to write a blog instead.  Besides, who reads fucking books nowadays anyway??  

So yes, I am a little bit nervous--I don't want to disappoint; but I hope you'll stay with me, teach me a thing or two, and please, be quite gentle...or at least use some lube or something. 

As monumental as I would like this to be, as my first time blogging, I have learned the hard way from other 'maiden voyages' in my lifetime that it is better to intentionally set one's expectations quite low in order to not be shattered by disappointment upon discovering that the 'earth' doesn't actually 'move' unless your partner can hold his load for more than 60 seconds.  Which, as we know,  is not very common among teenage boys...although there is something to be said for their respawning capacity and energetic zealousness--

Well, it seems I have exposed my hidden meaning....and I digress.  I am trying to say, that I really want to just get this first post out of the way, and as an homage to that fumbling first attempt at intercourse, I will just squeeze my eyes shut, hold my breath for the entire minute...and try not to fart.