Now, if you are Catholic, even if you thought you've already made up your mind, you should probably read my suggestions here, because I have some really damn good ones. And I think I've done a pretty good job of making these specific enough and easy enough that you might actually manage to make it through the "Dreaded Forty Days of Hell" (-which I know this is what you all think of it as, even though you would probably never say it out loud-) this year without fucking up like you do every other year, and feeling like a total heathen failure. I can only imagine how much that would suck, to say to myself that I'm going to do something for God for the next 1/10th of the year so that I can not feel guilty about doing whatever the fuck I want the other 90% of the year, but then not even be able to make it 2 whole weeks without giving in to the temptation and crumbling with self-hatred...but, not being Catholic, I don't entirely understand that kind of self-inflicted guilt.
First of all, for all my readers who are priests; {no, I haven't forgotten about your requests. I will post photos of my friends' kids' soccer teams and boy scouts outings ASAP, so you can stop emailing me.} Lent must be a particularly trying time for you. You have dedicated your lives to serving God and living without giving in to the temptations of Satan (how do you manage? I'm in awe of you). Are you expected to find additional pleasures to abstain from during these 40 days of Lent? What do you even have left to give up?? It doesn't seem fair. If I were the Pope, I would proclaim that for priests, the forty days of Lent were like 'vacation days' for you Men of the Cloth, whereby you could give in to the temptations of bodily pleasures and not have to fear eternal damnation, or even losing your job...and you would be forgiven, whatever the severity of your sin, as long as you confess and do penance. And, I might even venture to guess that you would even be forgiven for sins much more outrageous and horrible than normal Catholics, because of your devotion to God and how close you are to Him. Fuck, eat red meat on Fridays. Hit up that Golden Corral buffet--you fuckin' deserve it. Fried food? Yes. You. Can. Chicken-fried steak? Sure. In fact, why don't you hit up KFC for a Double-Down...it's no coincidence that they launched that sandwich last year right after Easter, am I right?
I have one very important warning though--don't get too carried away. There is ONE sin that is absolutely, entirely, indisputably unforgivable: To engage in a consentual, loving, open relationship with another adult of the same sex...to fall in love, make plans to have a life together and care for each other in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, and share in all the other blessings of marriage that a man and a woman together may have, for better or worse. THAT is just so wrong that the devil himself wouldn't even condone it. You must keep your homosexuality behind closed doors and focused on children (-but only on the ones who protest!!-the ones who seem to like it are fuckin fags--kick those homos to the curb and RUN!!)
For the rest of you, who observe the traditional model of Lent, I have a few ideas:
- Instead of giving up chocolate, why don't you just give up eating chocolate that is shaped like bunnies? That way, you can still eat any other chocolate AND it's really not that hard because you don't see a lot of chocolate bunnies until Easter anyway. Imagine how awesome it will be when you make it all the way to Holy F'in Saturday without having eaten a single chomp of a chocolate bunny, and then the next day is fucking EASTER when you get to run around with the kids in the yard and find all the brightly colored plastic non-biodegradable, non-recyclable Easter eggs and stuff your face with chocolate bunnies to celebrate Christ's Resurrection! Also- and you know I'm right-if it's not forbidden, you probably won't crave it so badly. You will probably eat less chocolate this way, instead of thinking about it 24/7 and having mouth-watering dreams about it and holding out as long as possible, and then, when you finally cave, and eat a whole brownie, you think, "well, fuck it. I already fucked up, so I may as well make it count" and devour the rest of the pan of brownies and all the rest of the chocolate chips that you couldn't fit into the brownie batter that you knew you shouldn't have made in the first place. But hey, you can just count it as ONE screw-up in the last few weeks, and since all the brownies are gone now, that means that all the evidence is also gone, so no one else will ever know. Oh, except God (-praise Him-)
Fasting is about more than just refraining from food or other pleasures, and the Lord tells us that fasting that does not lead to works of charity does us no good...does He not? (Isaiah 58:1-12)
So, how about this; instead of giving up something for Lent that only affects YOU, like not eating sugar, red meat, or fried food...give up something that by doing so, benefits the greater good. Because, let's face it, you're not going to succeed entirely anyway, so at least this way, when you do manage to resist temptation it actually makes some kind of difference. Here are some examples (since I'm not Catholic, I really can't do any of these things, but you guys totally should):
- Give up talking on your cell phone and texting while driving. Not only will you be safer, so will all the other drivers around you. Believe it or not, it is important to pay attention to what you are doing while you are operating heavy machinery (i.e., your vehicle). In Exodus 1:1-22, we read about the oppression endured by the nation of Israel, the Old Testament model of the New Testament Church, at the hands of Pharoah. The slavery of the Israelites represents our slavery to our cell phones. Don't worry, you can start back up again without penalty beginning on Easter Sunday, when you can actually drive blindfolded to make up for all the texting and talking that you didn't do for the last 40 days.
- Abstain from using plastic grocery bags. They are, quite literally, the devil. You Catholics like to have a lot of children...don't you care what the world will be like for them and their many, many offspring? Think of the big picture; it's not just one or two plastic bags here and there, and it's not just you. Yes, it makes a difference to recycle them but the recycling process still uses energy which pollutes the environment, and currently only 1% of plastic bags in the US are recycled in the first place leaving 300,000 tons of them in the landfills every year. That is fucking unacceptable. PLUS, in case you didn't get how this affects YOU, I will break it down further...A huge number of plastic bags find their way into the oceans and have a staggering impact on marine life, which includes fish. Now, if the world's supply of fish is fucked in a few short years...what in God's name do you think you are going to have left to eat on Fridays during Lent? Rice cakes, bitches. (Seagram's 7:1-8)
